Category Archives: memories

To My Year 9 – 11 ‘Bum’ Buddies.

 

Bum Buddies – an inside joke we have.

I am thankful for the group of six people in my final years of secondary school to allow me to hang around with them, although it does seem silly and we only messed around when we were together I am truly thankful for the memories. Most of us had lessons together and would see each other on the bus to school and the bus to the bus station. We would joke around, get in trouble and sometimes have our ‘serious’ moments.

From 7:55am, we would greet each other on the bus, ensuring I, who always was on the bus first, claimed the back seats for them. We would hang out inside of Pod B (Maths department) till we made our separate ways to ‘form’. The rules stated for people were, do not hang around The Pods (A – E) and we found it humours that some teachers would let you stay in the building and some would kick us out. For the teachers who let us stay, we greeted them with a good morning and opened the door for them. For the teachers who didn’t, we would either be on the lookout for them, get kicked out or lure around the outside of the building making them suspicious of us.

We’d then separate at 8:30 am for ‘Form’ which is Registration & a possible Assembly.
And probably see each other again for the first period.

M and C were in my RE (religion) and Science Lessons and M, C, L & CH were in My PE (physical education) Lessons)

J was in my History Lesson (GCSE) and G wasn’t in any of my classes, but there was an incident in year 8 which led to him and one of my friends to break up.. thanks to my big excited mouth, however, there were no hard feelings.

In lessons, Us girls would distract each other, whisper to each other when the teachers talking and sit around each other to look at each others work and help each other. In PE, we would form groups together, skive together and there was a time when we skipped PE and hid in the science department to then be found running to hide in E Pod by our teacher, M’s Tutor. I remember they scolded M, C and L and I was told to ‘not hang around with them, neither of us got into much trouble though. Detention Free for ALL.

When one person was away or didn’t come to class, we would be the ones who got asked ‘where they were’ and we either had no idea ourselves or shake our heads and whisper to each other when the teacher left the room.

At 11 am was Break Time which felt very short we would hang around A Pod which is the English department and this is where our time in the B Pod repeated itself, which teacher kicking or not kicking us out the building. We would find ourselves eating a snack and moaning who have for our 3rd lesson before lunch.
There was also a time we all got a detention for being in A Pod at break time after being told twice to get out the building. The 1st time we were hanging around together then towards the 2nd time one of them smashed a spray bottle of mine on the ground, I obviously wasn’t happy with them and walked towards my next lesson, which was in the A pod, however, I needed the toilet, so I thought I would go in A pod (nearest toilets, B Pod was closed at break and lunch), My class was full of boys (even the teacher was male) asking to go to the loo in front of them is embarrassing. Short story, I wasn’t hanging with them and technically got a detention for peeing. Yes, My dad tried to fight me out of the detention, but the teacher said I lied asked if i ‘understood why I had a detention’, I nodded then rolled my eyes sitting with the others who were in detention.

lol 🙂

Me and L would be in maths together. I would always suck in maths so we would help & copy each others work.

At Lunch we would hang around A Pod again. Joke around each other, ‘Peanut’ Each other (Steal and Hiding each others ties), Eat lunch together and gossip about other students. At home time we sometimes ended up meeting each other unplanned around the corner from the school bus stop and we would listen to crap music, M and C would light a fag, and we would wait for our bus to the bus station, to then depart then onwards and repeat.

When my best friend started spending more time with her new best friend, the six of them never seemed to be bothered that I stuck to them like glue.

Although I have no contact with them now, mainly thanks to my Social Anxiety and all of us going in different directions in life. I don’t know how to thank each of them.

Thank for letting me hang around with you, it may seem like nothing but it meant so much to me. We all had different personalities and we only fooled around in and outside our lessons, however, I’m grateful to have met you all, after all, I could have spent most of my school years alone. I hope everyone is doing well and is happy and if one of you see this,
Hi, sorry I’ve always been shit at messaging. Forever we will be Bum Buddies 🙂

My Emotional College Experience!

Hi Beauties,  Welcome to my blog!

In this blog, I want to tell you about my college experience.

I Graduated from school in 2014 at 16 years old.  I left ever so happy to leave my School as honestly I wasn’t comfortable there and I just wanted to get away from students and teachers, so when I got my GCSE results back with two of the best grades I needed for the college course I applied for. I did not really know what I wanted to do in the future, however, my mum is a home-based beautician, So I thought ‘I know lets apply for this, Mum will be able to support me and we can share this experience together, My Best friends going to college, so I’ll be fine’. So I applied for the Level 1 Diploma in Beauty Therapy.

Like I said above I was surprised and extremely happy to get in and I was looking forward to it. However, My Best Friend was unable to come to college and although my friends were attending I wasn’t really as ‘close’ as I thought I was and we were in different buildings. I was attending a college course where I don’t fully know my surroundings with zero people I knew in my class.

My class started awkwardly, the teachers were friendly and my classmates were either Quiet or had a very good personality. As Lessons went on so did the breaks in between where I found myself alone. I was a little claustrophobic, so I didn’t go in the Canteen I ate outside or if the weather was bad wouldn’t eat at all. Until one day two women in my class who was in there mid-twenties invited me to eat with them at lunch as I was by myself, somehow they convinced me and I was able to hang with them at break and lunch (I tried not to be burden, however, I spent my whole Course year with them and was able to talk and be close with other classmates

Coming towards the end of the course, I decided to enter a whole different Course for my Second year and stupidly distanced myself from everyone I got close to by deleting them from my facebook.

I have to admit I didn’t know what course I wanted to take but I knew that Level 2 Diploma in Beauty Therapy wasn’t for me as it wouldn’t be uncomfortable for me.  I attended a meeting with a Course counsellor which suggested Level 2 in Business Studies.  When I attended my interview, I was offered Level 3 Diploma in Business Studies. A level higher than expected, which made me more confident and ambitious for my next year.

1 week later  I found myself attending a new environment all over again. For the Induction day, I only spent 1hr 30 mins there due to a job interview, this made me unknown to the class I was put in as well as my timetable (i asked staff in the same department but they were not helpful at this time). I was told by a staff member to come the week before to college on Friday around 9 am, however, no one told me that the class was cancelled and all students got told but me. Having arrived at college (wasting my time) a teacher told me to sit in her class as it was the same level but different group. That was when I was introduced to the students and surprisingly felt comfortable telling them that I make videos on youtube and felt good in that class, although I knew I shouldn’t get comfortable I was able to talk to some girls and spent most of my day with them.

Following on to Monday, my mood towards college differs. I finally saw my class and met my teachers but felt outcasted. In many ways, I felt that groups were already formed. I spent most my days unhappy with my day and if someone other than a teacher spoke to me in class that as one of the highlights of my day. I then began to spend my days going to college, listening to music and doing course work. Music was literally my life. I then around November 2015 planned to Drop out of college as I was so unhappy, however my family wouldn’t allow me two, but around this time I would date how many days I til I turned 18 to drop out and announced to some boys in my class I wanted to drop out (talking to them openly made my absolute week). Then two girls who started the year with me, around my age, came into my life and spoke to me twice a week, then it became every day I was in class. I am ever so grateful that they made my last months of college a little bit more positive. I did feel rather depressed most times however and slacked on my work and had to stay an extra month to pass the course.

Now – 2016

After I left college, I lost contact with the girls I met & helped my mum with tea and coffee duties and tore myself away from my hobbies and things that made me felt happy. At first, I felt lost (wandering) and was in a slum. I’m currently looking for a job and it’s been 6 months since I was in education and had contact with people my age. I’m going by my day positively and trying to get out of this depressing hole I have pushed myself into. I’m making myself reenter my hobbies and interests and I am ensuring that something that made me happy happened every day. I don’t know what’s next for me, however, living positively is helpful and allows me to not be the way I felt at the beginning (another story).

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I hope you gained or learned something from my story and experience and whether or not you have or are going through what I went or am going through I hope you stay strong and know I am here if you want to chat.

 

Erasing Memories | Would I? | A Similar Experience.

Some time ago I heard a daytime programme on the TV talk about whether or not people would erase their bad memories.
Although I don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood and maybe a few weeks ago, I was thinking, would I?
I came to the conclusion that the bad memories that I remember and the ones that are quite good are all a learning experience for growing up. I learned that nothing is perfect and developed knowledge and skills from either a bad or good memory.
But my question to those reading this is, would you erase all your memories? not just the bad ones but everything!
 
I not so long ago watched a Korean drama called ‘circle’ which is set in the present day and the year 2037. Part of the story-line is about how the character Lee Ho-Soo portrayed by actor Lee Gi-Kwang was given the choice to either delete his memory of a loved one he lost for the ‘Brave New World’ in the Smart Earth of 2037. He got an SD card like chip inserted in his neck to erase everything. However, when the chip began to fail he remembered all about the one he lost and regretted every moment of forgetting.
 
I would never want to lose memories, especially have someone insert an SD card in my head. However, I have recently experienced losing memories myself.
 
As I mentioned my memory is quite dodgy and I remember little of the past and the memories i do have vary in speciality or upon thinking. what I do to keep memories alive is capture it in a photo or video, which is indeed a luxury and I would save them to a portable external hard drive.
 
On this device, I stored memories from 2012 to a couple of months ago. Everything of the importance of that device is full of memories and some hobbies which means everything to me and as of mid last month, I accidentally erased everything.
I won’t talk all computery to you as if I’m honest I don’ t understand it but I ‘formatted‘ the hard drive not sure what that does but when researching i learned that its impossible to get it all back.
At first, I was in a slow panic ‘I can fix it, I can google it’ then I found my self in early acceptance ‘its fine, I can create new memories, 6 years of memories is nothing right?’.
I recorded a video on my phone during this time (12am) of me telling myself ‘its okay’ and documented it as something silly to look at later. Finally, then i felt an urge for a hug and a cry.
Holding back my tears at half past midnight I knocked on my parent’s bedroom door begging for a hug. A 19yr old at midnight requesting a hug sounds nuts but I needed it. My parents quizzed me on why i came to them crying needing a hug. I told what happened and instead of calling me a ‘dickhead’ or asking ‘why I did that for?’ they hugged me continuously and understood how much everything on that hard drive meant to me. my dad who was to be up for work in 3-4 hours at first had no clue what happened or what hard drive I was talking about (even though he did buy it for me lol) and when my mum told him he disappeared for a while to the bathroom and after 20 mins he had his phone in his hand googling for a possible chance to restore it.
He lingered for 30 mins around my bedroom and after 10-12 requests from me to ‘go to bed, your up soon, thank you’, He finally went to bed on his little sleep and the next day he messaged me to met him so on his break we could take it to a repair shop and see if they could do anything and although I had no hope my dad said ‘me and your mum will pay for it if need be, we will do anything to try and restore it’.
Honestly their angels especially my dad.
Currently, the hard drive is still not fixed, the repair shop had no luck,  my dad got some help a past friend after it was confusing to us non-tech people. Now it’s at one of my dads work buddies house whose quite good at this kinda thing, and knows a little more than we do.
Do I have hope?
a little, not much. I need I’ve had mood swings, just thinking about it made put me in a bad mood.
It has indeed been a bad memory losing all my memories. It sucks, the thought of it makes me quite depressed and it not being ever repairable stress me out to the T. I indeed am ever so grateful to those whose helped to the repair guy who didn’t charge us, my dads past friend and his work buddy, my mum and mainly my dad who got up at 8am on a Sunday to give this hard drive to his work buddy.
Would I erase this bad memory?
At first, I wanted it to be a dream, to wake up in the morning to find everything was still there.
I’m still going through the grief of losing memories like I lost a relative or a loved one and I’m telling myself to have hope to stop being so negative.
If my dads work buddy can restore them I feel like I will completely get down on my knees and cry and if it’s not restorable I don’t know what I will do. would i still be in this depressive stage and avoid any thought of it? 
I have to leave you with something happy.
So…
Whats for the future for me saving memories?
– I want to cherish more than a particle in my dodgy brain. I’ve decided to share more of present-day memories small videos and quick pics uploaded on to social media, although social media too is worrisome with how long it will last.
– I will invest in a phone photo printer so I can keep them in a photo book that should last forever.
I don’t want to erase any of my memories. ever, from experience, it’s awful.
Dear future, whether the rest of my life is full of bad memories, fuck your idea to erase them, don’t try and put an SD card in my neck. I understand the need to erase fear, anxiety etc. However, I want to cherish them all.
The next day after draft writing this.
I don’t know what to say but thank you.
Thank you to the man whom I barely know, that works with my dad and offered to have a go at restoring my hard drive.
Thank you for waiting for my 6 years maybe more from looking at it and a bunch of selfies to download.
Thank you for saving all that meant the world to me.
I don’t know how ill thank you in person, especially without breaking down in tears and my social anxiety interfering, but you gave me little faith.
All this time with having no hope thinking all will be lost and you someone is not even met have made my entire year.
Seeing pictures from 4 years ago when we first got our Boxer dog Lennox, made me burst into an explosion of tears. I then saw a video of my mum and dad dancing, then photos of my 5-year-old pug, photos from a long lost friendship and Much MORE.
This person is indeed some superhero.
Thank you.
THANK YOU!
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