Definition of Social Anxiety
Social Anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person’s life.
I have Social Anxiety.
I have not been to a doctor or sought any professional help, I can clearly tell I have it. Slowly since my days in secondary school, Social Anxiety has taken over my body. Every time I receive a phone call or text, every time I am faced with a conversation with a stranger or when I walk past or see a neighbour in the street, Social Anxiety possess my body. Anxiety becomes me, I am not Anxiety.
Social Anxiety has made me a character to those I’ve met in my life. I have shelled out the world around me from who I am. I have never truly been me. I tried myself back because of Social Anxiety.
Conversations I want to have with people, I’m afraid that it will be misunderstood, or if I will be out-casted, I don’t want to seem like a complete nutter, I don’t want to hurt people.
I don’t want to be an embarrassment. I know no one is perfect, we are all different and that is okay, we can’t all be the same, we are not sheep or robots. However, I don’t want to make a show of myself. I am not the type of person who’s all about ‘Me, Me, Me’. I don’t show everyone around me my abilities.
I hide my emotions and abilities from my family, I probably seem like a bum to those in my family who Dance or can play an instrument, I’ve never shown them what I can do. I’ve blocked people from getting to know me, never showing my feelings, I’ve only given people what I believe they’ve wanted.
When I eat outside from home, Anxiety makes me feel like people watch me eat, makes feel like I’m being judged for what I eat. I’m afraid if I’m eating too fast, too slow or if I took a bit of a big bite.
I sometimes want to exercise around my neighbourhood, but I ponder if Someone a Kid or a Full grown adult would judge me (previous bad experiences)
I’ve blocked people in from my life, distance myself from people I have memories with. I have no friends. I can’t come to the thought of messaging someone who I was really close too to say ‘Hello, How are you?’. I feel guilty, I don’t want to be the one whose abandoned them, I don’t want people to have sympathy for my stupid Anxiety. I question whether it’s my fault or their fault for our distance. I see people who know them and I stand frozen, not wanting to be seen or someone to ask ‘how have you been, why haven’t you been in contact with _____?’
Being ‘allowed’ or asked to share more of me, would I?
Probably not. This Anxiety which controls those thoughts in the back of my head blocks that.
That’s how Anxiety makes me feel and act so WHAT ARE THE AFFECTS?
I SWEAT A TON. Being in public makes me sweat and it sucks. I find myself using deodorant a lot, I even have anxiety from spraying myself with deodorant in public. I may be overweight (people would say I sweat cause I’m Fat) Yet I feel a sweat coming when I step outside my house and see a neighbour mowing their lawn.
My Dad seems to handle my doctor, dentist and optician appointments. He also seems to come with me. I have been to the dentist by myself recently but only as it was ‘Last minute’ and for my original appointment (which they got wrong) My dad took a holiday day for.
When I’m having a bad day or I am very Irritated, the smallest things get to me. I can have a breakdown/panic attack. I shut myself out from people who try to help. They ask ‘why’ but I just want to breathe normally, confront myself with why this breakdown originated, calm down and expect people to get over it.
Beating Anxiety (just a tad)
For a VERY long time, since the age of 14, I only dreamed of making videos on YouTube but my Anxiety got the better of me. I didn’t want to ‘show myself up’, I didn’t want to be the centre of attention among people in my year. One of my regrets is that, when I did try once but as soon as someone from my school saw it, commented on it, I deleted it.
I currently make YouTube Videos, I don’t get a ton of view/comments and I don’t get a lot of comments or feedback but I don’t fully make videos for them, yes I appreciate if people click on a video, sit through 13+ minutes of my voice, however, these videos are me allowing 14 years old me to be herself. These videos allow me to be me with little questions, these videos are for my mentality.
I WRITE BLOGS.
People probably are not interested but I’m currently writing blog posts. I have talked about Suicidal Thoughts, something I don’t imagine talking about with people I know.
I VLOG ON MY INSTAGRAM.
These are for my mentality. Having no friends, this allows me to speak openly. I do see the people who watch them (not a healthy recommended thing to do) I’ve had time with them in the past, I wonder If I seem like a completely strange person and my Anxiety persuades me that they think I’m ‘full of myself’.
I have also started broadcasting LIVE on YouNow. This boosts my confidences a lot. When I first broadcasted with Chris Styles, I was scared, nervous and lacked confidence. I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know how the viewers would react. The experience was amazing, Chris and his viewers made me feel good, the doubt I had before shattered like broken glass. I felt a rush of adrenaline, I wanted to do it again. I found myself broadcasting on my own three times that night, again for a week and now I want to do it nearly every day.
Anxiety sucks but I am not Anxiety. I am just a girl trying to ‘be herself’ comfortably and Trying to not allow Anxiety possess me completely.
MY ADVICE for those whose are similar to me, Seek help if you want it and Realise the YOU from the ANXIETY. EXPRESS WHO YOU ARE. DO WHAT YOU LOVE, BE YOU, DONT LET ANXIETY TAKE OVER YOU COMPLETELY.
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